Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I

T
H
I
N
K

W
E

S
H
O
U
L
D

R
U
I
N

P
E
O
P
L
E
S

T
I
M
E
L
I
N
E

B
Y

T
W
E
E
T
I
N
G

L
I
K
E

T
H
I
S

A
L
L

D
A
Y
.
.
.
.
.

sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad

I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.

I’m still very hungry.

i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t

JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]

JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty]

[Jesus and God hi-5]

Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.

I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.

“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.

Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.

I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means

I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…

It was in the non-friction section.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.

If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.

I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.

It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic

Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”

If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”

Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s the sky.

Toddler: what’s sky mean?

Me: sky means sky.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s grass.

Toddler: what’s grass mean?

Me: grass means grass.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: tears.

Toddler: what’s tears mean?

Me: it means please just stop.

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE

23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.

The urge to throw a coconut at someone.

“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house