Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever

ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age

I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity

self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you

I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party

40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party

crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators

Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?

Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.

I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go

I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.

“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.

My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.

JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.

“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”

if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats

Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!

In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.

Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate

Never mess with a drunken pig.

one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun

#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX

I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.