Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.

That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th

I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it

*orders sushi for delivery*

*throws towel over aquarium*

Me: how are you feeling about all of this?

Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.

Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.

I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.

I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.

When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…

Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate

Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand

H: I can’t eat chocolate

Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*

ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon

me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]

him: is that all you got

me: yeah inflation’s bad

The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.

Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!

ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?

BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?

ME: no, it’s a Civic

DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.

Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

3: Mommy, I hid your phone.

– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*

[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know

Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …

[feeding the cat]

Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.

Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.

Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.

Cat: I’m really hurt.

Me:

Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.

I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for

The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted

Hear me out – fortune hotdogs

the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip

“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”

– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.