Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman

I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”

Dear Middle School,

How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?

Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot

I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”

my sentiments exactly

[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please

I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.

One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party

Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.

Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.

Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.

Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.

Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.

[Jurassic Park]

JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!

ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island

JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs

“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.

Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.

See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.

Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.

The most shocking part of Luigi’s manifesto is when he says he’s not the most qualified person to lay out the problems with the healthcare system. I’ve never heard a man describe himself as unqualified for anything.

Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.

requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”

A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.

Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.

I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

Waiter: what can I get you?

Me: I’ll have what she’s having

Her: two divorces then please

[math class]

ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place

STUDENT: what’s the point?

ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway

STUDENT: I mean in that number

ME: oh, that’s the decimal

Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.