I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
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I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Alexa: *deep breath*
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.