Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter b like “if u need something, call me” ???? You’re 3 sister girl 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information

you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly

“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.

Told her to just roll them a little tighter.

Do you smell smoke?

I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.

I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards

So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.

I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”

[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE

two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet

Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.

Meow?

Dear teenage kids of mine,

When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.

So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!

Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.

Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?

I’d rather fork than spoon.

Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!

What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.

I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.

Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.

Spent the entire day milking a single almond.

[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]

Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?

Wife: what?

Me, louder: I’m going to the bank

Wife: what?

Me: I’M LEAVING YOU

Wife: ok

*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”

Nobody:

Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME

While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.

Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide

her: *texts something funny*

me: *types hahahahaha*

*stares at it*

*deletes one ha*