I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
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Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.