Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.

They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”

The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!

Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen

Doctor: Your children are very healthy

Me: Good

Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger

Me: I know

Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger

Me: *trembling* I know

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.

my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”

*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*

I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi

Chameleon: hold on.

if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight

I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.

what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction

Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff

Me: you mean like microscopic germs

Life coach: no you should probably worry about those

Me: choking hazards

Life coach: that’s not-

Me: killer bees

Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*

My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.

Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

me: goodnight moon 🙂

moon: goodnight

me: goodnight stars 🙂

stars: goodnight

me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂

security guard: how the hell did you get in here

I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?

My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.

How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?

I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s