I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
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when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Breaking news:
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*