I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
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wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.