Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.

(Me playing guitar)

3: Daddy what’s this song called?

Me: Going Nowhere.

3: I know that but what’s this song called?

Burned by a 3yo.

Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.

Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow

Me: I can put you in touch with a medium

Starbucks Manager: A what

This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down

New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.

Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.

The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.

Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken

My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash

Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:

Him: The best part of my day was-

Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?

Him: Watching TV.

Me: Oh, ok.

Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!

Me: yeah???

Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.

@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches

Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet

Me:

My cat: wow you sure nap a lot

I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.

My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.

You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people

Could you play us a song?

Cat Stevens: Maybe.

*Sets guitar on table*

Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*

Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on

Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots

“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics

Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?

*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*

5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.

Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.

‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’

– idiots

A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.

I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket