Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god.  Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.

kids: the floor is lava

teens: the floor is laundry

Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.

*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”

Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?

BLEACH I MIGHT BE

911: whats the emergency?

∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.

some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday

plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing

College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.

Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.

Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.

Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!

Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?

Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.

As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.

Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?

Eve: Uh yeah, totally

Raised as a Catholic which meant a weekly trip to church to confess my sins. Aged 7, I was walking to church & just could not think of any sins I’d done. Wondered idly what’d happen if I confessed to murder? Got there. Confessed to murder. Much consternation. Bloody brilliant.

I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.

Me: *gets in from fishing trip*

Girlfriend: did you catch anything?

Me: *sighs* just an old boot

Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?

My memoir is titled:

“#2 (not a sequel)”

bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah

9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?

Me: Sure.

9: Can I spend two nights?

Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.

i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.

Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?

if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine

“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.

The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.

I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.

Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies

HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!

HIM:

HER:

HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours

ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.

THERAPIST: That’s horrible.

ME: Yeah.

THERAPIST:

ME:

THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?

Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”