I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
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*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.