Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary

(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*

I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.

Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.

Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.

[bedtime]

SON: Can you leave the light on?

ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?

SON: What?

ME: What?

Stop being racist to kettles.

[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo

Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”

*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*

new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much

If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.

“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.

ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!

CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No

Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.

Friend: Who did?

Me: Yep.

Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long

Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.

Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.

Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.

Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”

I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.

Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.

nurse: time of death

doctor: 4:19—

[i take one last breath]

doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot

No one:

My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude

I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now

I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?

boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.

me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?