Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him:You married?

Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?

H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-

M:SO I’M UGLY?

H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry

After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”

Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.

Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe

groan^2

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen

*being mugged*

me: “im warning you, i know karate”

mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”

The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.

me: do you have spaghetti?

mcdonalds cashier: …no

me: would you like some?

[Orca Winfrey Show]

ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!

AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*

@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar

TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit

Interviewer: who are these people with you?

Me: My squad.

My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.

a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.

Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic

Worm: wait we’re eating what

My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger

Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

[used car lot]

Customer: Do you have any mini vans?

Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall

Me: How was school?

Toddler: Candice has a different mom.

Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.

I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.

It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.

I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”

Guys, I found it.