I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
You Might Also Like
What a website
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.