I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
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Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
groan^2
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.