I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
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100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Hamburger Hinderer.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
All my life lessons were learned by watching people who took my advice.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”