Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.

Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?

i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more

me: so how do i look

eye doc: terrible

me: think glasses would help

eye doc: no i can see you fine

Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.

Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*

With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”

How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.

Bird: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Oh my God! You can talk!

Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.

There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth

My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.

*meeting somebody from Canada*

So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?

GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!

ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.

DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*

My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP

The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.

Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.

Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.

What level of hell is this?

Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.

Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?

Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.

Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.

me: wanna hang out?

southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah

me:

The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:

Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.

Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.

If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.

Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.

Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.

Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.

“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”

Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.