I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
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Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?