I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
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[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
my mom decorated the apartments for the cats
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”