I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
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New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
What’s so funny?
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today