Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.

My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls

My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it

I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you

Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.

Men love me.
Germs fear me.

Or vice versa, whatever

Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.

First Date

Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.

Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*

me: how do you like the future?

lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car

me: what is it?

lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them

Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.

At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.

What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

I hate everything

[1st day as a Transformer]

GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95

ME: (becomes a Decepticon)

What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?

we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes

Me: You just sat on my glasses.

Husband: *Stands up* What?

Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?

Falls for it every time.

Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.

I laughed.

…

She stared at me until I paid her.

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.

Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.