Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love is in the air fryer.

If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping

Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres

When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.

I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine

I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma

I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.

Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-

Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”

Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”

[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these

All I’m saying is, a loose grip on reality is better than no grip on reality.

As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.

The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.

The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.

handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening

me: *nodding* ghosts

handyman: …this screw is loose

me: ah.

handyman:

me:

handyman:

me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?

I believe the children are our future.

But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.

Instagram: look how pretty everything is

Facebook: look how easy everything is

Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest

Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is

Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:

A thread.

Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.

I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.

“Dad, where do babies come from?”

“Walmart.”

DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*

PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.

What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.

A rat. A rat is what.

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.