I don’t like video “games” where you gotta run around collecting shit. You’re not fooling me. Those are errands
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Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
9: [doing something dangerous]
me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die
9: you’re always afraid of something like that.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.