Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.

These aliens are taking forever.

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. ⁣⁣Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.

Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s

[several hours later]

time management.

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.

On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.

Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.

meanwhile over on facebook

Father’s Day Fun:

1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.

I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.

#LunchPun

A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.

My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen

– Tom Hanks, probably

INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?

BATMAN: I right things.

I: What do you write?

B: I Right People’s Wrongs.

I: Oh so you’re an editor?

Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?

I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.

Nobody:

Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS

*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy

He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”

She: “Gnocchi dokey.”

#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes

hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to

Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”

If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.

[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]

Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*

I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Have you showered today?

Me: Um, I …

Netflix: And use soap this time.