I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
You Might Also Like
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end