I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
You Might Also Like
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.