I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
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Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
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The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Smile they said.
