Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.

My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.

The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.

Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow

I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket

Them: “ah just the guy I wanted to see”
My brain: well this can’t be good

Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.

If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.

When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent

Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No

*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*

[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring

Are these grass-fed oranges?

Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.

“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats

whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project

Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.

Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice

Me: Head shoulders knees & toes

Doctor: ok no problem

Me: eyes ears mouth & nose

Doctor: that’s a different guy

During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter

Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”

Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.

[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant

ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer

I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.

Microwave:
Me: *waves back*

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.

My birth announcement for our third baby