I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
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The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Note to self: always read the final line
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.