Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.

Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply

Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!

Him:

Me:

Him: that’s a plastic produce bag

Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!

I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.

*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*

me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.

Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.

Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.

posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.

Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.

Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!

[Garden Of Eden]

Adam: Is this your first time?

Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat

me: do that thing i like

him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into

All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

me: how much for the wireless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]

Dog: You gonna eat that?

nurse: name?

me: david

nurse: age?

me: 35

nurse: sex?

me: almost once

Ok who’s got my black socks?

My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket

[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing

Soft pretzels come one of two ways:

– no salt

– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm

Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?

[First date]

Him: I love murder mysteries.

Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.

You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?