Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list

I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.

Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Wife: What do you think our song is?

Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.

Wife: Idiot…

I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.

Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

text from my dad when lebron broke the record

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.

“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.

[after bowling]

Me: that was fun

Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball

Me: it helps me aim

[later in bed]

Me: *whispering* bo-

Her: -no

What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight

[tsunami approaches]

Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.

Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.

Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!

Shoulder angel:

Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone

Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.

What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?

All you can yeet.

Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo

Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”

Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”

Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?

“Yes, everyone.”

[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..

*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”

me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.

them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”

I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.

Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together

We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast