Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark

-me as a tattoo artist

all that yoga finally paid off

brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.

If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?

Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.

“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”

Guys named Geoff.

finally

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?

dentist: open up

me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-

dentist: i meant your mouth

hygienist: wait let him finish Glen

Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.

Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.

Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.

*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*

OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine

[whale watching]

whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again

Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?

Psychology says:

People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”

Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

Steve Austin: nice to meet you

Medusa: the pleasure is mine

Stone Cold Steve Austin:

[blind date]

Her: so what do you do for fu..

Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE

I love the smell of relapse in the morning

Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!

I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.

What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!

Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage

An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.

got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to

Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?

Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.

Me: *looks warily at our kids*