Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.

Friend: Oh, OCD?

Me: Children.

Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend

Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.

[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!

When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.

Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]

One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭

I need to update my racial profile.

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.

Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?

Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws

We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.

I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.

before coffee: don’t talk to me

after coffee: please don’t talk to me

I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out

So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”

I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.

When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics

Revenge served cold

7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?

Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

[exotic fish store]

AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.

Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.

Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.

dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*

occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt

Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”