Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked

(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”

Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.

Croquettes are not female crocodiles

My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.

What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.

I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.

I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”

[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*

[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*

holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy

There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.

love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.

Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:

God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them

Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.

It’s called “Camera”.

look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on

All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.

[Me as a boxing commentator]

ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time

Fashion designers:
What do you want?

Women: uniform sizing across brands.

Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!

Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?

This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.

What should we call our new store?

“Will we sell pottery?”

No.

“Is it in a barn?”

No.

“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”

Hell, I love it Carl.

[plastic surgeon]

please my credit card it’s very sick

WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real

Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?

-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper

Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.

Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.

Me: No one asked you.