Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A few hardest things to say:

“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”

“Worcestershire Sauce”

me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes

my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.

Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?

[meeting]

ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*

BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good

an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔

According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.

Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”

COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?

ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.

What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa

A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.

That’s classic.

It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.

Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”

Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]

Possum: [pops up]

Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]

Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]

Me: Evil never sleeps

Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT

It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.

Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!

Double negatives are never not confusing.

when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

Sir!!

I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.

the only career advice i have is make every decision that moves you closer to not having to be on linkedin

poor people rarely die from ski related injuries

Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one

an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.

Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.