I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
You Might Also Like
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.