I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
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As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Living every minute with impostor syndrome anxiety, dreading the day the other librarians discover I don’t have any cats or any cardigans.
Shortcut
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
My doctor sucks. Didn’t even kiss it better.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
what kind of cook setting is this??
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!