I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
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[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Single and childfree like Jesus
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
I am thick and tired. 🙄
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.