I don’t make the rules sorry
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Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Petting my cat, and all the sudden she felt the need to give herself an entire bath. I know it sounds weird, but I think I creeped her out.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Manager: just got a quick little job for you
Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.