I don’t make the rules sorry
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dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”