I don’t make the rules sorry
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”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well