I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
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Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Me: Alexa, make me breakfast.
Alexa: Okay, you’re breakfast.
Me: No I mean…
Alexa: Lol! What a moron. 🤣
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*