I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
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The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Hey i am sexy to you now
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.