I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
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“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
shazam but for random noises outside
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?