Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…

Punctuation Matters. Period.

that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that

Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?

“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media

Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself

Me: I see

Gf: Are you gonna over-react?

Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do

Ex Gf: what

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.

My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.

me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.

8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.

Well shit.

grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss

Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.

hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider

Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..

me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg

me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie

me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?

wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns

When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.

If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.

Establish dominance over your children by whining louder

If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.

today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total

Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh

remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s

My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.

If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.

It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.

Me: *crying*

Tween: *crying*

Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.

Me: We are.

You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.