Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: *carrying damaged produce*

Me: Drop that sick beet!

Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.

’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.

Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me

Genie: okay

Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel

Genie: k…

Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s

[McDonald’s]

Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂

Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*

I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT

The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today

Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.

If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.

lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls

[swimming pool]

me: do you have family changing facilities?

clerk: yes we do

me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife

Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.

Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”

Me: “Yes I did.”

Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”

Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent

My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.

No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me

Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*

Noah: nope.

ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote

“You’ve got something in your teeth”

Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch

Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30

How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?

Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]

“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load

Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on

Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”