I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
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Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Why font matters.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
aesthetic
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator