Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably

Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult

*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.

Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.

My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?

Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.

The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.

It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.

Me (young, naive); I hope something good happens

Me (now): I hope whatever bad thing happens is at least funny

My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”

I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets

me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—

whoville 911: what was that

me: the grinch robbed me

whoville 911: no the weird part

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]

don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit

My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”

Polar bear says… “I was born with them”

My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.

Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner

Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!

Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!

Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]

[portal opens]

dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!

gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-

dark lord: not now gary

I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair

Paul Walker *dies driving*

Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no

[at roller rink]

My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.

I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand

The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…