I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
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How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
How all things should be taught/explained.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.