Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.

He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.

Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.

Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.

Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.

*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*

Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?

my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.

Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’

We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.

[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?

It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.

1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”

[First day at Amazon]

me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*

manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol

Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once

I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.

[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*

Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?

a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair

Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.

So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?

How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.

Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

You wish you had this many chins.

Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”

Have kids they said…

[6 AM]

Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.

[morning bus drives by]

Child: What’s for breakfast?

The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.