I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
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I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator