Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
You Might Also Like
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Sign at work today
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.