@PopSlapFunk

I don’t mean to brag about my patience, but I just waited 5 whole seconds before passing a student driver and flicking them off.

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@mayamanion

Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.

@Lisa_Bizzle

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

@professorkiosk

Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air

Michael Cera:

Sensor: *bursts into flames*

@rebrafsim

Me: cut, cut! okay dammit, what’s my motivation here?

Judge: I assume you don’t want to go to jail, and if you say cut again I’m holding you in contempt

@angibangie

4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.