-So you love me too?!
I don’t mean to brag about my patience, but I just waited 5 whole seconds before passing a student driver and flicking them off.
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Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
The “Share Size” candy means with yourself, right?
Me: cut, cut! okay dammit, what’s my motivation here?
Judge: I assume you don’t want to go to jail, and if you say cut again I’m holding you in contempt
Hannah is single for a reason
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.