I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
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[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”