Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work

My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.

Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.

Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*

I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie

Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.

DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text

DOG FRIEND: which color heart?

DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one

DOG FRIEND: omg

me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.

Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.

How to make infinite energy.

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

it was love at first sight

[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]

if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day

Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?

Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?

boss: hi

me: *pretends to read an email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”

I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.

A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.

[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here

whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.

cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”

*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn

My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us

BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.