I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
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Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile