I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
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Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
When ur friends with white people
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
I’m going to need a moment here.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.