Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists

Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?

Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches

My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.

Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?

I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.

Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?

Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment

bought wrong eggs

[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

temp agency: can you do retail

lizard: yes

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.

Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.

Robber: *is literally robbing my house*

My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls

DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….

“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”

making sure he doesnt get away

Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.

Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…

‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit

#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺

A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”

It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy

The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.