Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.

*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?

*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”

Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks

Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…

Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.

Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard

I’m fine

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys

[aliens arrive]

people: *screaming crying hiding*

me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

Happy Star Wars day!

me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM

me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM

4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history

Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.

[hospital]

Me: how is he?

Her: he’s in the burn ward

Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks

[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]

*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*

Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.

me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?

Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was

It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets

I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.

[getting a retweet]

“I’VE BEEN PUBLISHED”

I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.

2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out

when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s