Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?

GF: Yep

M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?

Vin Diesel: Is it fast?

Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.

Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me

Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.

My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.

Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called

My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.

If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.

Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one

Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”

“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”

– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.

The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline

Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”

Ian: “What makes you say that?”

Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”

If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.

All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.

When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.

I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it

WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?

“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”

Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.

Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.

Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?

My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

Me: You’re going to prison?

My French accountant: Oui

Me: WE are going to prison?

To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…