I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
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“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
me at the job i begged god for
Steam Forums
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
BaD BoY!!
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?