I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
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HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Am I having a stroke?
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink