Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me

officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?

{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.

Me: Just once?

Dog:

Me: Please?

Dog:

Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”

Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?

A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience

did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”

In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me

*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island

[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace

Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.

My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.

Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are

SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman

ME: there is no bogeyman honey

SON: he’s not real?

ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago

SON:

ME: there was so much blood

SON:

ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer

“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog

if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off

[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles

I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.

Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

cave of wonders: only one may enter here

aladdin: abu has to wait outside?

cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count

abu: *steals*

cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT

me: father’s day means so much to us single dads

wife: uhhh…we’re married

me: right, but I’m the only dad

thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years

fly smarter, not harder

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.

“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”

I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.

Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.

Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!

Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy

Coworker: “How was your weekend?”

Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”