I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
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People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Day 2 of my diet
I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I just ran a .003048K
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Worth a try
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
