I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
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If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.