Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”

My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.

[assigning roles]

god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth

sun: sounds good

god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves

moon: hell yes

a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry

I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.

TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?

I hate that haircuts make me so sleepy. My hairdresser will be trying to have a nice conversation with me and I’m just like “mmmm… night… love you…”

As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”

So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.

The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan

I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.

… And while you’re down there…

Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.

Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.

When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.

I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.

I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”

I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*

I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.

Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer:

drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point

I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply

Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”

Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”

*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*

I’m here, Mistress.

*eats everything*
*dies*

If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.

The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time

me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed

5yo: what did you do to be tired?

me: *eye twitches*

Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:

“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”

And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter