i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
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What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
neighborhood watch
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)