Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”

I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.

Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.

How did we decide to go with cockpit?

The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding

publisher: tell me all about it

orwell: it’s about a farm

publisher: sounds good

orwell: with animals

publisher: naturally

orwell: and they’re fascists

publisher: of course

i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles

*First bite of pancakes

“This is the greatest food ever!”

*Last bite of pancakes

“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”

Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .

i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”

[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]

“They said no I couldn’t have any money”

Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies

I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.

“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?

*Sighs*

“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”

An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google

Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me

PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.

If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.

The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.

god: you have outlived your purpose

dinosaurs: give us another chance

god: fine

dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this

My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT

Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.

Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.

Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.

I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.

Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.

Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant

Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.

I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.

Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”

Me: “Fred or Ben?”

Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.

8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?

Me: Why, yes we are!