I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
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I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Just as the prophecy foretold
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
for all #parents out there
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…