Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter

I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.

[Oreo meeting]

What about ‘sextuple stuffed’

“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”

[later googling Sextuple]

“Omg that’s genius”

Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories

Me: I’m tired

My brain: turn on the tv

Me: but I need sleep

My brain: go pay some bills

Me: I’m so exhausted

My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes

Top Four Signs of Job Security:

4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss

Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?

Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅

I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.

If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents

[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real

agent: *getting tortured* do your worst

villain: why would i do that

agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough

villain: i’m always doing my best

agent: i know. you’re doing great

villain: thanks

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.

My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.

vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes

Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”

They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl

My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.

Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.

[first day as a spy]

Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda

Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD

In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.

Me: I wanna be ugly

Genie: you got 3 wishes left

Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”

Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.

Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT

I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too