I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
You Might Also Like
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Golf would be better with landmines.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday