Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.

“Damnit!”

-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.

*Being murdered in bed*

Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??

15: I smell upsexy.

Me: What the hell is upsexy?

15: Not much. What’s up with you?

wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home

Me and my siblings:

[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael

Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.

me: did you know there’s a complex named after you

oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?

me:

oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?

Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.

Doctor’s office: Please hold.

Me: Okay.

Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?

Me: Please hold.

Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?

Best seat on the street 😍

If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”

A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.

Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:

The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one

Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”

Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”

Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”

Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”

My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”

I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

I win.

Other moms: I hate summer break

Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes

[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]

GOD: most of them are fine

ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?

God: you get high or… you DIE

Angel: dude

[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes

I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.

I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.

the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”

70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.

Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am

I’m NOT Superman.

What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.