Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet

Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.

Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.

I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.

If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.

I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.

HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.

What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.

The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control

shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.

Mathematics was simple until they added English to it

Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished

Me: yes, I do!

Wife: do the laundry

BOSS: how was your weekend?

ME: oh man i got so high

BOSS: it’s against company policy-

ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon

BOSS: oh, haha well then-

ME: then the edibles kicked in

Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”

Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.

The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”

I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”

do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.

Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan

Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?

HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly

reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:

-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching

I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.

If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.