Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m in my 30’s and my bank account makes me look 21.
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Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
If we have learned anything from the Friday the 13th movies, it’s that Jason mainly kills people having sex. Most of you should be good.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]