I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
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It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
this is how life feels
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”