@Bluestmoon_

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m in my 30’s and my bank account makes me look 21.

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@Marlebean

Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…

@rebrafsim

Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem

@longwall26

Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.

@mommajessiec

My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.

@LurkAtHomeMom

If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.

@PaperWash

me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall

Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived

@elle91

In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.

@TheMichaelRock

If we have learned anything from the Friday the 13th movies, it’s that Jason mainly kills people having sex. Most of you should be good.

@electrolemon

game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]