Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos

me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection

[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.

me: [jumping out of a cake]

skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience

15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule

Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.

Boss: What?

Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.

I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.

*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?

I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too

conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy

Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?

Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.

Rose: Nice.

Grill: You could have looked around a bit.

barista calling out order: Gee Off

Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago

barista: nice try, Gee Off

The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing

I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?

8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂

My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother

my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated

I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.

All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.

Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.

[creation of bats]

God: stretch out that mouse

“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for

NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?

Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.

Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!

Me: I don’t gossip.