I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
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*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
I love the National Park Service.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience
there’s gotta be a better word for you people than cinephile
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*