I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
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asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
I have obtained a hat
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
i could be your emergency contact if you’re fine with me asking “is it urgent tho?”
girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here